Recommended by: Preisha Jain

Will strike a chord with anyone who feels that their public life is at odds with how they really feel inside.' Red PSYCHIATRIST: So how can I help you? ME: I don’t know, I’m – what’s the word – depressed? Do I have to go into detail? Baek Sehee is a successful young social media director at a publishing house when she begins seeing a psychiatrist about her – what to call it? – depression? She feels persistently low, anxious, endlessly self-doubting, but also highly judgemental of others. She hides her feelings well at work and with friends; adept at performing the calmness, even ease, her lifestyle demands. The effort is exhausting, overwhelming, and keeps her from forming deep relationships. This can't be normal. But if she's so hopeless, why can she always summon a desire for her favourite street food, the hot, spicy rice cake, tteokbokki? Is this just what life is like? Recording her conversations with her psychiatrist over 12 weeks, Baek begins to disentangle the feedback loops, knee-jerk reactions and harmful behaviours that keep her locked in a cycle of self-abuse. Part memoir, part self-help book, I Want to Die but I Want to Eat Tteokbokki is a book to keep close and to reach for in times of darkness.

Contents:

1 Slightly Depressed
2 Am I a Pathological Liar?
3 I'm Under Constant Surveillance
4 My Desire to Become Special Isn't Special at All
5 That Goddamn Self - Esteem
6 What Should I Do to Know Myself Better?
7 Regulating, Judging, Being Disappointed, Leaving
8 Medication Side Effects
9 Obsession with Appearances and Histrionic Personality Disorder
10 Why Do You Like Me? Will You Still Like Me If I Do This? Or This?
11 I Don't Look Pretty
12 Rock Bottom
13 Epilogue: It's Okay, Those Who Don't Face Darkness Can Never Appreciate the Light
14 Psychiatrist's Note: From One Incompleteness to Another
15 Postscript: Reflections on Life Following Therapy
16 How to Have Your Tteokbokki